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Throne Thoughts

Throne Thoughts,

Cough Explosion

It’s that time of year again when people start sneezing and coughing. The real talent comes in when you can do both at the same time. I don’t recommend this though, especially if you haven’t done your business yet. You might end up with a mess that’s too hard to clean up, like I almost did this morning. I felt the grumbles starting about 30 minutes ago. I should’ve paid better attention to them, because they were trying to tell me something. It wasn’t until I got home that I found out what that something was. What followed next was

Throne Thoughts,

Kung fu Toilet

I tried to hold it in…I really did. But that damn Chinese food just shot through me like poop through a goose. One minute, everything is fine. And then all of the sudden, MOVE!!!! I knew when I was standing at the counter waiting for my order, that I was going to regret it later, and boy was I right. It wasn’t even 10 minutes after I finished that I was running for the bathroom. There were birds chirping outside my window before I came in here. Not anymore. I don’t knowing it was the smell or the sound that

Throne Thoughts,

The trifecta

Three times…THREE! That’s the amount of times I’ve pinched one off in the last 3 hours. It must be something in the water. It’s too bad I don’t drink beer, otherwise I could avoid this debacle. At this point, I’m starting to wear a hole in the floor between my couch and the bathroom. I’ve memorized the paint pattern on the wall and it’s only one color! I’m really at a loss here. Should I bring the tv with me next time? Install a head and foot rest on the toilet? And why does it smell like a skunk?!!?

Throne Thoughts,

Speed Bumps

I tried to get an early start at work this morning, so I headed to Sam’s club, picked up my order, put some of it in my truck, and then “whooooosh!” That sudden feeling of pressure in your colon that can’t be ignored, came over my body and forced me to change my plans. I quickly loaded the rest of my items, which seemed never ending, carefully climbed in my truck, and started towards my store so I could unleash hell in my throne room. Guess what? That wasn’t gonna happen. As I started driving, fate had other plans for

Throne Thoughts,

Love Notes

I’m currently at work, in my “second office”, wreaking havoc. I pity the poor bastard that comes in here after me, because there’s no amount of Glade air freshener that can conquer the smell that I’m producing. In addition, there’s no air conditioning in this bathroom, so I have to contend with sweat and the smell of dookie. It’s enough to make a grown man cry and throw up at the same time (which is pretty hilarious if you picture it). I was sitting in my first office and tried to squeeze out a test fart. Instantly, I knew this

Throne Thoughts,

Guess where I’m writing you from?

I almost didn’t make it off the couch this time. The sudden urge of impending doom came over me like high tide on a full moon night, which is ironic because technically, I’m giving my toilet a full moon. Actually, I’m giving my toilet a lot more than that at the moment. I had peanut butter and celery tonight. Bad idea…I didn’t know this though. They say peanut butter is good for lots of things, however, they didn’t say you would almost shit the couch if you have some. Side note, who is “they”, and why do we always reference

Throne Thoughts,

Porcelain Diaries entry #69

I had asparagus for dinner last night. Normally, you would think that it would make your pee stink. No no, this isn’t the case. You mix asparagus with a probiotic, and you get some of the most raunchy smelling shit missiles you’ve ever seen this side of the Appalachians. Some would call it an appetite for destruction, which is also the name of a Guns N Roses album released in 1987. Axel Rose, who looks like he swallowed a buick, probably knows what I’m talking about. I’ve been sitting here for about twenty minutes, waiting for the onslaught to stop,

Throne Thoughts,

“Special” Brownies

1st review of brownie ingestion: I ate half of one of those rectum wreckers a couple hours ago. It knocked me on my fucking ass, which is nothing compare to what it did to my stomach. I sit here writing this while I’m currently dropping bombs all over porcelain city. The death and destruction that is being created is unfathomable. I feel as if someone should call the cops because of all the noise ordinances I’ve broken All that comes to mind right now is Godzilla stomping through Tokyo, destroying all those buildings and killing thousands of those poor souls.