Throne Thoughts,

DoorDash The Devil’s Hockey Puck

I decided to door dash again tonight. I finished eating about 27 minutes ago and I’ve been sitting on the toilet for 26 and a half minutes. Yes, I timed it. It was just a burger…or as we’ll refer to it from now on, the devil’s hockey puck. Somehow, that son of a bitch managed to fuck up my evening by sending me the driest, hardest burger patty in the history of burger patties. Now I’m paying the price, all because I was hungry. The sheer volume of what’s coming out of my brown eye, should scare the shit out of you. The sounds that are coming from my bathroom are haunting. The raccoon that was living in my attic, just put a for rent sign in his window and gave me the finger as he climbed the neighbor’s tree. I can’t say that I blame him. Trash pandas can be very moody when they smell something worse than themselves. Ah well, time to flush. It was nice knowing you all.


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Sitting on Toilet Pushing Hard
Throne Thoughts,

Sally, it’s time to push!!

I’ve been sitting here for a good 10 minutes, trying to release whatever crawled up my ass and died, but she’s fighting back. I’ve got news for ya Sally, it’s time to push! Don’t push too hard though. I might blow an O ring. Seriously, it feels like there’s a rock in my stomach, and no matter what, it won’t come out! I had Texas Roadhouse for lunch today. But for this entry, we’ll call it roadkill. I arrived at the restaurant a couple minutes before my designated pick up time. Little did I know, on sundays, it’s the cool thing to do for the residents of every fucking nursing home to go out to dinner (at 12pm). Needless to say, I had to wait an extra 20 minutes for my already late order. This didn’t do well for the food. Finally, it was ready and I headed home to nom.

Much to my disappointment, the food was refrigerator cold by the time I was ready to eat. So I did what any fat kid would do and walked right past the microwave, and sat down to eat my ice cubes. About 20 minutes after I was done, the food was ready to make its grand exit. So I finished a game of Blackout with the guys and made my way to the throne, where I would conduct my business. Things didn’t start off very well. Then, it was like the devil himself kicked in my sphincter and brought every demonic being he could gather for the quickest Viking type toilet raid possible.

There was fire, there were explosions, the clouds in the sky all turned brown (go figure). It was anarchy. After the raid was over, the bathroom was decimated. Not a solid survived. It’s gonna take a team of professionals to figure out who the culprit is, but my money is on the cinnamon butter.

Throne Thoughts,

Cough Explosion

It’s that time of year again when people start sneezing and coughing. The real talent comes in when you can do both at the same time. I don’t recommend this though, especially if you haven’t done your business yet. You might end up with a mess that’s too hard to clean up, like I almost did this morning.

I felt the grumbles starting about 30 minutes ago. I should’ve paid better attention to them, because they were trying to tell me something. It wasn’t until I got home that I found out what that something was. What followed next was extremely unsettling. I sat down to do the deed and then started coughing. The reaction from my sphincter wasn’t pleasant. It was like someone opened the hoover dam doors. The next thing I knew, I was almost 3 feet below sea level. I had to do a couple courtesy flushes to keep from drowning. Otherwise, they would’ve never found my body.

For some reason, one cough triggered another and another. Before I could get myself under control, the bowl had reached max capacity. It was so violent. I was scared for a minute, and then it stopped. I was relieved to be done. But I spoke too soon. Without warning, I coughed, and the most ungodly, irrational case of the Hershey squirts appeared out of nowhere, like a bad case of herpes. This caused me to cough again and again. I thought I had finished, but I was wrong. It finally subsided, but I’m too afraid to move now.

So, if you don’t here from me for a while, call an ambulance, cuz I might need a rescue.

Other Thoughts,

Liters of Fart Gas

liters of fart gas question

How many liters of fart gas do humans release every second ?

A) 100,000

B) 406,783

C) 602,940

D) 1,012,049





liters of fart gas answer

Wow!! Holy Crap!!  You and every other human release 602,940 liters of fart every second.  That means every 4 seconds an entire hot air balloon could be filled with poop air!

Throne Thoughts,

Kung fu Toilet

I tried to hold it in…I really did. But that damn Chinese food just shot through me like poop through a goose. One minute, everything is fine. And then all of the sudden, MOVE!!!! I knew when I was standing at the counter waiting for my order, that I was going to regret it later, and boy was I right. It wasn’t even 10 minutes after I finished that I was running for the bathroom. There were birds chirping outside my window before I came in here. Not anymore. I don’t knowing it was the smell or the sound that did them in, but they’re not coming back to us after that. Now it looks like a scene from the Alfred Hitchcock movie “The Birds”. They can’t wait to get their peckers on me for killing some of their own. I really do love animals, but it was damn funny to watch them turn green and torpedo to the ground.

Throne Thoughts,

The trifecta

Three times…THREE! That’s the amount of times I’ve pinched one off in the last 3 hours. It must be something in the water. It’s too bad I don’t drink beer, otherwise I could avoid this debacle. At this point, I’m starting to wear a hole in the floor between my couch and the bathroom. I’ve memorized the paint pattern on the wall and it’s only one color! I’m really at a loss here. Should I bring the tv with me next time? Install a head and foot rest on the toilet? And why does it smell like a skunk?!!?

Other Thoughts,

Sh*t just got glittery! New glitter pills make your poop sparkle

In other wierd shit news…. Sh*t just got glittery! New glitter pills make your poop sparkle.

A bizarre new internet trend invloves swollowing glitter pills to sh*t sparkles – as if anything can make poop pretty.

With eyebrows shaped like anchors and people posting pictures doing the migraine pose, we thought we had seen the worst of the internet but well, life is full of surprises. Presenting you with yet another WTF trend of the year: Glitter Poop.


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Yes, that’s right. Glitter poop is now a trend which is becoming extremely popular. A Germany-based seller came up with this incredibly bizarre idea which, for some strange reason, is gaining popularity worldwide.

Glitter poop pills, available at multiple stores, are pills you can take to make your poop look sparkly and glittery if you are into that kind of thing. Do you feel weird pooping at someone else’s place? Glitter-pills have got your back. Sparkle away!

Available on Etsy, these edible gel caps are filled with craft glitter, non-toxic, of course. Makes one wonder how the creator of these pills came up with such an idea. Maybe he was shopping craft supplies, noticed a bottle of glitter and went, “Oh…shiny! I want that coming out of my ass.”

After ‘how’, comes the obvious ‘But…why?’

Glitter, pretty much like plastic, is impossible to get rid of and imagine if glitter poop actually becomes a thing, how dangerous that’d be for our environment, affecting sea animals the most. We don’t think fishes will appreciate shiny poop coming their way.


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These pills come in a variety of colors and sizes. So, if you want to poop sparkly blue one day and shit golden glitter the next, this German seller on Etsy has got you sorted.

While some people think the idea is pretty creative and really cool, all we can do is wait and pray for this internet trend to fade away soon, like every other ridiculous trend usually does. The last thing you’d want to see is a picture of somebody’s glittery turd on your Instagram feed.


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Throne Thoughts,

Speed Bumps

I tried to get an early start at work this morning, so I headed to Sam’s club, picked up my order, put some of it in my truck, and then “whooooosh!” That sudden feeling of pressure in your colon that can’t be ignored, came over my body and forced me to change my plans.

I quickly loaded the rest of my items, which seemed never ending, carefully climbed in my truck, and started towards my store so I could unleash hell in my throne room. Guess what? That wasn’t gonna happen. As I started driving, fate had other plans for me. I hit every. single. red light. You know all those little bumps in the road? Ya, I felt those too. Each one was like a pile driver into my stomach. The pain and agony of clenching was more than I could handle. I decided I should go to my home throne and release the demons there.

Is it just me or does your sphincter know when you’re getting close to home and then without warning, starts opening the hatch doors?? It was like it had a mind of its own! Does my ass have a GPS for my toilet? I mean c’mon! I just needed 4 more steps!

Suffice it to say, I made it safely. However, what happens next was the farthest thing from safe that you can imagine.

First there was an explosion. Then there was shrapnel. I think I even heard a baby cry. Whatever I ate, was causing serious damage to my plumbing. Once it was over, The pipes were traumatized. I’ll apologize to them later.

I recently read a story about a woman who set a record for having the longest turd on record…over 7 meters! I don’t know how she made it a week without soiling herself. I can barely make it 20 minutes once I feel the urge!

I think I’m done…my legs are starting to fall asleep.

Throne Thoughts,

Love Notes

I’m currently at work, in my “second office”, wreaking havoc. I pity the poor bastard that comes in here after me, because there’s no amount of Glade air freshener that can conquer the smell that I’m producing. In addition, there’s no air conditioning in this bathroom, so I have to contend with sweat and the smell of dookie. It’s enough to make a grown man cry and throw up at the same time (which is pretty hilarious if you picture it).

I was sitting in my first office and tried to squeeze out a test fart. Instantly, I knew this wasn’t going to be pretty. So I clenched as best I could and waited for the right moment to strike. It took a little longer than I expected, which made things really awkward, if you were watching me on camera. I tried my best to look normal, but all i managed to do was look like an adolescent teenage boy trying to cover up a boner in the middle of class for the first time.

Some say the best things in life are free…I say, the worst things in life are the green Apple splatters.

Throne Thoughts,

Guess where I’m writing you from?

I almost didn’t make it off the couch this time. The sudden urge of impending doom came over me like high tide on a full moon night, which is ironic because technically, I’m giving my toilet a full moon. Actually, I’m giving my toilet a lot more than that at the moment.

I had peanut butter and celery tonight. Bad idea…I didn’t know this though. They say peanut butter is good for lots of things, however, they didn’t say you would almost shit the couch if you have some. Side note, who is “they”, and why do we always reference them? On the bright side, I don’t have the hiccups. Only a certain few will get that.

The moment I tried to stand up to dart to the bathroom, my bowels quickly reminded me who was in charge here. I succumbed to the power of the sphincter, temporarily, whilst I had one of the biggest contractions of my life. Had I not stopped, you would’ve been able to find me by the trail that would’ve been left. So much for just using bread crumbs. What happened next can only be described as breathtaking (more irony). Michelangelo has his masterpiece…I have mine.

Note to self; don’t eat the whole jar of peanut butter. You might be in the bathroom for a while and will need something to survive on.