Throne Thoughts,

Was it the sub or the Chex mix? (part 2)

Continued from Part 1

Still 0221 hrs. I barely had enough time to get comfortable before the first wave hit. I could hear porcelain cracking, floors creaking, gagging from the mouse who lives under my house (maybe he’ll move now). I started to get light-headed, so I leaned forward, grabbed to the side of the tub, and pushed as I had never pushed before. That push created a bigger void inside me than any women could ever compete with.

0224 hours. Finally, it was over. I feared finishing up and going back to bed though. Past history has taught me lessons. So I sat here for a few more minutes, in case the second wave decides to show its nasty face. This gave me time to contemplate, why was I awakened so violently? Was it subway or the check mix? It couldn’t be the sandwich. I tried to keep it healthy for once. That’s when I recalled a conversation that I had with one of my employees. We’ll call her, Suspect numero uno. She brought some homemade Chex mix for me tonight. As we were leaving the store, she reminded me to grab the container (I think she planned this). She warned me earlier, that it might induce a poop. Boy, she wasn’t lyin. Her intentions were solid…the poop was not.

0301 hrs – afraid to go back to bed. Yes, I’m still sitting here. Nothing has happened in 36 minutes, but that doesn’t mean it won’t come back.

Throne Thoughts,

Was it the sub or the Chex mix? (part 1)

0218hrs – Military time, for those of you who don’t have to pinch one-off in the dead of the night. I farted and naturally, woke myself up. I began to laugh. Then I began to cry, for reasons I’m about to explain. That fart was the only thing holding back what can only be described as the MOAB (Mother Of All Bombs). I knew immediately that I better get the fuck out of bed, or I was gonna have to throw the whole thing in the trash the next day. As I tried to stand up, and keep the clench, I started to get dizzy. What I felt in the lower portion of my body, was frightening. I took one step and felt like I was gonna pass out. This wasn’t good, because I started to lose all motor functions and shit on the floor next to my bed (I checked later, it was only my imagination).

0221hrs (yes, 3 minutes later). I finally made it to my bedroom door. You may be asking yourself why it took me so long to get from the side of my bed to my bedroom door. Don’t worry, the answers that you seek are on their way. As I tried to take that fateful first step, my mind took me on a journey. We’ll call it, the “last thing you see before you die.” I don’t remember all of what I saw, but I did a flashback to that time on the playground when I realized I needed a fresh change of scooby doo underpants. I can still hear them laughing. The kids were cruel in Jr. High. After the flashback, I realized I made it the short 3 steps to my door. That’s when things took a turn. Suddenly, there was a need to rush. I ripped the door open (probably off the hinges), and did the fastest clench walk that I’ve ever done. I almost didn’t make it. Finally, there she was. The place I can release all of my fears and frustrations. The Bathroom.

Click Here for Part 2


Throne Thoughts,

DoorDash The Devil’s Hockey Puck

I decided to door dash again tonight. I finished eating about 27 minutes ago and I’ve been sitting on the toilet for 26 and a half minutes. Yes, I timed it. It was just a burger…or as we’ll refer to it from now on, the devil’s hockey puck. Somehow, that son of a bitch managed to fuck up my evening by sending me the driest, hardest burger patty in the history of burger patties. Now I’m paying the price, all because I was hungry. The sheer volume of what’s coming out of my brown eye, should scare the shit out of you. The sounds that are coming from my bathroom are haunting. The raccoon that was living in my attic, just put a for rent sign in his window and gave me the finger as he climbed the neighbor’s tree. I can’t say that I blame him. Trash pandas can be very moody when they smell something worse than themselves. Ah well, time to flush. It was nice knowing you all.


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Sitting on Toilet Pushing Hard
Throne Thoughts,

Sally, it’s time to push!!

I’ve been sitting here for a good 10 minutes, trying to release whatever crawled up my ass and died, but she’s fighting back. I’ve got news for ya Sally, it’s time to push! Don’t push too hard though. I might blow an O ring. Seriously, it feels like there’s a rock in my stomach, and no matter what, it won’t come out! I had Texas Roadhouse for lunch today. But for this entry, we’ll call it roadkill. I arrived at the restaurant a couple minutes before my designated pick up time. Little did I know, on sundays, it’s the cool thing to do for the residents of every fucking nursing home to go out to dinner (at 12pm). Needless to say, I had to wait an extra 20 minutes for my already late order. This didn’t do well for the food. Finally, it was ready and I headed home to nom.

Much to my disappointment, the food was refrigerator cold by the time I was ready to eat. So I did what any fat kid would do and walked right past the microwave, and sat down to eat my ice cubes. About 20 minutes after I was done, the food was ready to make its grand exit. So I finished a game of Blackout with the guys and made my way to the throne, where I would conduct my business. Things didn’t start off very well. Then, it was like the devil himself kicked in my sphincter and brought every demonic being he could gather for the quickest Viking type toilet raid possible.

There was fire, there were explosions, the clouds in the sky all turned brown (go figure). It was anarchy. After the raid was over, the bathroom was decimated. Not a solid survived. It’s gonna take a team of professionals to figure out who the culprit is, but my money is on the cinnamon butter.

Throne Thoughts,

Cough Explosion

It’s that time of year again when people start sneezing and coughing. The real talent comes in when you can do both at the same time. I don’t recommend this though, especially if you haven’t done your business yet. You might end up with a mess that’s too hard to clean up, like I almost did this morning.

I felt the grumbles starting about 30 minutes ago. I should’ve paid better attention to them, because they were trying to tell me something. It wasn’t until I got home that I found out what that something was. What followed next was extremely unsettling. I sat down to do the deed and then started coughing. The reaction from my sphincter wasn’t pleasant. It was like someone opened the hoover dam doors. The next thing I knew, I was almost 3 feet below sea level. I had to do a couple courtesy flushes to keep from drowning. Otherwise, they would’ve never found my body.

For some reason, one cough triggered another and another. Before I could get myself under control, the bowl had reached max capacity. It was so violent. I was scared for a minute, and then it stopped. I was relieved to be done. But I spoke too soon. Without warning, I coughed, and the most ungodly, irrational case of the Hershey squirts appeared out of nowhere, like a bad case of herpes. This caused me to cough again and again. I thought I had finished, but I was wrong. It finally subsided, but I’m too afraid to move now.

So, if you don’t here from me for a while, call an ambulance, cuz I might need a rescue.

Other Thoughts,

Liters of Fart Gas

liters of fart gas question

How many liters of fart gas do humans release every second ?

A) 100,000

B) 406,783

C) 602,940

D) 1,012,049





liters of fart gas answer

Wow!! Holy Crap!!  You and every other human release 602,940 liters of fart every second.  That means every 4 seconds an entire hot air balloon could be filled with poop air!

Throne Thoughts,

Kung fu Toilet

I tried to hold it in…I really did. But that damn Chinese food just shot through me like poop through a goose. One minute, everything is fine. And then all of the sudden, MOVE!!!! I knew when I was standing at the counter waiting for my order, that I was going to regret it later, and boy was I right. It wasn’t even 10 minutes after I finished that I was running for the bathroom. There were birds chirping outside my window before I came in here. Not anymore. I don’t knowing it was the smell or the sound that did them in, but they’re not coming back to us after that. Now it looks like a scene from the Alfred Hitchcock movie “The Birds”. They can’t wait to get their peckers on me for killing some of their own. I really do love animals, but it was damn funny to watch them turn green and torpedo to the ground.

Throne Thoughts,

The trifecta

Three times…THREE! That’s the amount of times I’ve pinched one off in the last 3 hours. It must be something in the water. It’s too bad I don’t drink beer, otherwise I could avoid this debacle. At this point, I’m starting to wear a hole in the floor between my couch and the bathroom. I’ve memorized the paint pattern on the wall and it’s only one color! I’m really at a loss here. Should I bring the tv with me next time? Install a head and foot rest on the toilet? And why does it smell like a skunk?!!?

Other Thoughts,

Sh*t just got glittery! New glitter pills make your poop sparkle

In other wierd shit news…. Sh*t just got glittery! New glitter pills make your poop sparkle.

A bizarre new internet trend invloves swollowing glitter pills to sh*t sparkles – as if anything can make poop pretty.

With eyebrows shaped like anchors and people posting pictures doing the migraine pose, we thought we had seen the worst of the internet but well, life is full of surprises. Presenting you with yet another WTF trend of the year: Glitter Poop.


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A post shared by Nikita Doorgha (@sgtcurrypants) on

Yes, that’s right. Glitter poop is now a trend which is becoming extremely popular. A Germany-based seller came up with this incredibly bizarre idea which, for some strange reason, is gaining popularity worldwide.

Glitter poop pills, available at multiple stores, are pills you can take to make your poop look sparkly and glittery if you are into that kind of thing. Do you feel weird pooping at someone else’s place? Glitter-pills have got your back. Sparkle away!

Available on Etsy, these edible gel caps are filled with craft glitter, non-toxic, of course. Makes one wonder how the creator of these pills came up with such an idea. Maybe he was shopping craft supplies, noticed a bottle of glitter and went, “Oh…shiny! I want that coming out of my ass.”

After ‘how’, comes the obvious ‘But…why?’

Glitter, pretty much like plastic, is impossible to get rid of and imagine if glitter poop actually becomes a thing, how dangerous that’d be for our environment, affecting sea animals the most. We don’t think fishes will appreciate shiny poop coming their way.


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A post shared by LuLu Ivy (@_luluivy_) on

These pills come in a variety of colors and sizes. So, if you want to poop sparkly blue one day and shit golden glitter the next, this German seller on Etsy has got you sorted.

While some people think the idea is pretty creative and really cool, all we can do is wait and pray for this internet trend to fade away soon, like every other ridiculous trend usually does. The last thing you’d want to see is a picture of somebody’s glittery turd on your Instagram feed.


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Throne Thoughts,

Speed Bumps

I tried to get an early start at work this morning, so I headed to Sam’s club, picked up my order, put some of it in my truck, and then “whooooosh!” That sudden feeling of pressure in your colon that can’t be ignored, came over my body and forced me to change my plans.

I quickly loaded the rest of my items, which seemed never ending, carefully climbed in my truck, and started towards my store so I could unleash hell in my throne room. Guess what? That wasn’t gonna happen. As I started driving, fate had other plans for me. I hit every. single. red light. You know all those little bumps in the road? Ya, I felt those too. Each one was like a pile driver into my stomach. The pain and agony of clenching was more than I could handle. I decided I should go to my home throne and release the demons there.

Is it just me or does your sphincter know when you’re getting close to home and then without warning, starts opening the hatch doors?? It was like it had a mind of its own! Does my ass have a GPS for my toilet? I mean c’mon! I just needed 4 more steps!

Suffice it to say, I made it safely. However, what happens next was the farthest thing from safe that you can imagine.

First there was an explosion. Then there was shrapnel. I think I even heard a baby cry. Whatever I ate, was causing serious damage to my plumbing. Once it was over, The pipes were traumatized. I’ll apologize to them later.

I recently read a story about a woman who set a record for having the longest turd on record…over 7 meters! I don’t know how she made it a week without soiling herself. I can barely make it 20 minutes once I feel the urge!

I think I’m done…my legs are starting to fall asleep.