It’s that time of year again when people start sneezing and coughing. The real talent comes in when you can do both at the same time. I don’t recommend this though, especially if you haven’t done your business yet. You might end up with a mess that’s too hard to clean up, like I almost did this morning.
I felt the grumbles starting about 30 minutes ago. I should’ve paid better attention to them, because they were trying to tell me something. It wasn’t until I got home that I found out what that something was. What followed next was extremely unsettling. I sat down to do the deed and then started coughing. The reaction from my sphincter wasn’t pleasant. It was like someone opened the hoover dam doors. The next thing I knew, I was almost 3 feet below sea level. I had to do a couple courtesy flushes to keep from drowning. Otherwise, they would’ve never found my body.
For some reason, one cough triggered another and another. Before I could get myself under control, the bowl had reached max capacity. It was so violent. I was scared for a minute, and then it stopped. I was relieved to be done. But I spoke too soon. Without warning, I coughed, and the most ungodly, irrational case of the Hershey squirts appeared out of nowhere, like a bad case of herpes. This caused me to cough again and again. I thought I had finished, but I was wrong. It finally subsided, but I’m too afraid to move now.
So, if you don’t here from me for a while, call an ambulance, cuz I might need a rescue.