Throne Thoughts,

Love Notes

I’m currently at work, in my “second office”, wreaking havoc. I pity the poor bastard that comes in here after me, because there’s no amount of Glade air freshener that can conquer the smell that I’m producing. In addition, there’s no air conditioning in this bathroom, so I have to contend with sweat and the smell of dookie. It’s enough to make a grown man cry and throw up at the same time (which is pretty hilarious if you picture it).

I was sitting in my first office and tried to squeeze out a test fart. Instantly, I knew this wasn’t going to be pretty. So I clenched as best I could and waited for the right moment to strike. It took a little longer than I expected, which made things really awkward, if you were watching me on camera. I tried my best to look normal, but all i managed to do was look like an adolescent teenage boy trying to cover up a boner in the middle of class for the first time.

Some say the best things in life are free…I say, the worst things in life are the green Apple splatters.

Throne Thoughts,

Guess where I’m writing you from?

I almost didn’t make it off the couch this time. The sudden urge of impending doom came over me like high tide on a full moon night, which is ironic because technically, I’m giving my toilet a full moon. Actually, I’m giving my toilet a lot more than that at the moment.

I had peanut butter and celery tonight. Bad idea…I didn’t know this though. They say peanut butter is good for lots of things, however, they didn’t say you would almost shit the couch if you have some. Side note, who is “they”, and why do we always reference them? On the bright side, I don’t have the hiccups. Only a certain few will get that.

The moment I tried to stand up to dart to the bathroom, my bowels quickly reminded me who was in charge here. I succumbed to the power of the sphincter, temporarily, whilst I had one of the biggest contractions of my life. Had I not stopped, you would’ve been able to find me by the trail that would’ve been left. So much for just using bread crumbs. What happened next can only be described as breathtaking (more irony). Michelangelo has his masterpiece…I have mine.

Note to self; don’t eat the whole jar of peanut butter. You might be in the bathroom for a while and will need something to survive on.

Throne Thoughts,

Porcelain Diaries entry #69

I had asparagus for dinner last night. Normally, you would think that it would make your pee stink. No no, this isn’t the case. You mix asparagus with a probiotic, and you get some of the most raunchy smelling shit missiles you’ve ever seen this side of the Appalachians. Some would call it an appetite for destruction, which is also the name of a Guns N Roses album released in 1987. Axel Rose, who looks like he swallowed a buick, probably knows what I’m talking about.

I’ve been sitting here for about twenty minutes, waiting for the onslaught to stop, but there’s no end in sight, just like there’s no I in team…but there is meat, which is what I had with the asparagus last night. I don’t recommend the cocktail mixture of asparagus, meat, probiotics and garlic, even to my worst enemy. Even though that son of a botch deserves it.

Until next time 💩

Throne Thoughts,

“Special” Brownies

1st review of brownie ingestion:

I ate half of one of those rectum wreckers a couple hours ago. It knocked me on my fucking ass, which is nothing compare to what it did to my stomach. I sit here writing this while I’m currently dropping bombs all over porcelain city. The death and destruction that is being created is unfathomable. I feel as if someone should call the cops because of all the noise ordinances I’ve broken

All that comes to mind right now is Godzilla stomping through Tokyo, destroying all those buildings and killing thousands of those poor souls. Those poor bastards never stood a chance.
I’m reminded of a poem: Some come here to sit and think. I come here to shit and stink.

Needless to say, I don’t think I’ll be ingesting the second one for fear of complete and total internal organ failure. That and I don’t want to shit my brains out anymore.