I almost didn’t make it off the couch this time. The sudden urge of impending doom came over me like high tide on a full moon night, which is ironic because technically, I’m giving my toilet a full moon. Actually, I’m giving my toilet a lot more than that at the moment.
I had peanut butter and celery tonight. Bad idea…I didn’t know this though. They say peanut butter is good for lots of things, however, they didn’t say you would almost shit the couch if you have some. Side note, who is “they”, and why do we always reference them? On the bright side, I don’t have the hiccups. Only a certain few will get that.
The moment I tried to stand up to dart to the bathroom, my bowels quickly reminded me who was in charge here. I succumbed to the power of the sphincter, temporarily, whilst I had one of the biggest contractions of my life. Had I not stopped, you would’ve been able to find me by the trail that would’ve been left. So much for just using bread crumbs. What happened next can only be described as breathtaking (more irony). Michelangelo has his masterpiece…I have mine.
Note to self; don’t eat the whole jar of peanut butter. You might be in the bathroom for a while and will need something to survive on.