Throne Thoughts Archives - Porcelain Diaries

Was it the sub or the Chex mix? (part 2)

Continued from Part 1 Still 0221 hrs. I barely had enough time to get comfortable before the first wave hit. I could hear porcelain cracking, floors creaking, gagging from the mouse who lives under my house (maybe he’ll move now). I started to get light-headed, so I leaned forward, grabbed to the side of the tub, and pushed as I had never pushed before. That push created a bigger void inside me than any women could ever compete with. 0224 hours. Finally, it was over. I feared finishing up and going back to bed though. Past history has taught me

January 22, 2021

Was it the sub or the Chex mix? (part 1)

0218hrs – Military time, for those of you who don’t have to pinch one-off in the dead of the night. I farted and naturally, woke myself up. I began to laugh. Then I began to cry, for reasons I’m about to explain. That fart was the only thing holding back what can only be described as the MOAB (Mother Of All Bombs). I knew immediately that I better get the fuck out of bed, or I was gonna have to throw the whole thing in the trash the next day. As I tried to stand up, and keep the clench,

January 21, 2021

DoorDash The Devil’s Hockey Puck

I decided to door dash again tonight. I finished eating about 27 minutes ago and I’ve been sitting on the toilet for 26 and a half minutes. Yes, I timed it. It was just a burger…or as we’ll refer to it from now on, the devil’s hockey puck. Somehow, that son of a bitch managed to fuck up my evening by sending me the driest, hardest burger patty in the history of burger patties. Now I’m paying the price, all because I was hungry. The sheer volume of what’s coming out of my brown eye, should scare the shit out

July 13, 2019

Sally, it’s time to push!!

I’ve been sitting here for a good 10 minutes, trying to release whatever crawled up my ass and died, but she’s fighting back. I’ve got news for ya Sally, it’s time to push! Don’t push too hard though. I might blow an O ring. Seriously, it feels like there’s a rock in my stomach, and no matter what, it won’t come out! I had Texas Roadhouse for lunch today. But for this entry, we’ll call it roadkill. I arrived at the restaurant a couple minutes before my designated pick up time. Little did I know, on sundays, it’s the cool

February 17, 2019

Cough Explosion

It’s that time of year again when people start sneezing and coughing. The real talent comes in when you can do both at the same time. I don’t recommend this though, especially if you haven’t done your business yet. You might end up with a mess that’s too hard to clean up, like I almost did this morning. I felt the grumbles starting about 30 minutes ago. I should’ve paid better attention to them, because they were trying to tell me something. It wasn’t until I got home that I found out what that something was. What followed next was

November 11, 2018

Kung fu Toilet

I tried to hold it in…I really did. But that damn Chinese food just shot through me like poop through a goose. One minute, everything is fine. And then all of the sudden, MOVE!!!! I knew when I was standing at the counter waiting for my order, that I was going to regret it later, and boy was I right. It wasn’t even 10 minutes after I finished that I was running for the bathroom. There were birds chirping outside my window before I came in here. Not anymore. I don’t knowing it was the smell or the sound that

October 2, 2018

The trifecta

Three times…THREE! That’s the amount of times I’ve pinched one off in the last 3 hours. It must be something in the water. It’s too bad I don’t drink beer, otherwise I could avoid this debacle. At this point, I’m starting to wear a hole in the floor between my couch and the bathroom. I’ve memorized the paint pattern on the wall and it’s only one color! I’m really at a loss here. Should I bring the tv with me next time? Install a head and foot rest on the toilet? And why does it smell like a skunk?!!?

September 26, 2018

Speed Bumps

I tried to get an early start at work this morning, so I headed to Sam’s club, picked up my order, put some of it in my truck, and then “whooooosh!” That sudden feeling of pressure in your colon that can’t be ignored, came over my body and forced me to change my plans. I quickly loaded the rest of my items, which seemed never ending, carefully climbed in my truck, and started towards my store so I could unleash hell in my throne room. Guess what? That wasn’t gonna happen. As I started driving, fate had other plans for

September 22, 2018

Love Notes

I’m currently at work, in my “second office”, wreaking havoc. I pity the poor bastard that comes in here after me, because there’s no amount of Glade air freshener that can conquer the smell that I’m producing. In addition, there’s no air conditioning in this bathroom, so I have to contend with sweat and the smell of dookie. It’s enough to make a grown man cry and throw up at the same time (which is pretty hilarious if you picture it). I was sitting in my first office and tried to squeeze out a test fart. Instantly, I knew this

September 21, 2018

Guess where I’m writing you from?

I almost didn’t make it off the couch this time. The sudden urge of impending doom came over me like high tide on a full moon night, which is ironic because technically, I’m giving my toilet a full moon. Actually, I’m giving my toilet a lot more than that at the moment. I had peanut butter and celery tonight. Bad idea…I didn’t know this though. They say peanut butter is good for lots of things, however, they didn’t say you would almost shit the couch if you have some. Side note, who is “they”, and why do we always reference

September 18, 2018