Throne Thoughts,

Was it the sub or the Chex mix? (part 2)

Continued from Part 1 Still 0221 hrs. I barely had enough time to get comfortable before the first wave hit. I could hear porcelain cracking, floors creaking, gagging from the mouse who lives under my house (maybe he’ll move now). I started to get light-headed, so I leaned forward, grabbed to the side of the tub, and pushed as I had never pushed before. That push created a bigger void inside me than any women could ever compete with. 0224 hours. Finally, it was over. I feared finishing up and going back to bed though. Past history has taught me

Throne Thoughts,

Was it the sub or the Chex mix? (part 1)

0218hrs – Military time, for those of you who don’t have to pinch one-off in the dead of the night. I farted and naturally, woke myself up. I began to laugh. Then I began to cry, for reasons I’m about to explain. That fart was the only thing holding back what can only be described as the MOAB (Mother Of All Bombs). I knew immediately that I better get the fuck out of bed, or I was gonna have to throw the whole thing in the trash the next day. As I tried to stand up, and keep the clench,

Throne Thoughts,

DoorDash The Devil’s Hockey Puck

I decided to door dash again tonight. I finished eating about 27 minutes ago and I’ve been sitting on the toilet for 26 and a half minutes. Yes, I timed it. It was just a burger…or as we’ll refer to it from now on, the devil’s hockey puck. Somehow, that son of a bitch managed to fuck up my evening by sending me the driest, hardest burger patty in the history of burger patties. Now I’m paying the price, all because I was hungry. The sheer volume of what’s coming out of my brown eye, should scare the shit out

Sitting on Toilet Pushing Hard
Throne Thoughts,

Sally, it’s time to push!!

I’ve been sitting here for a good 10 minutes, trying to release whatever crawled up my ass and died, but she’s fighting back. I’ve got news for ya Sally, it’s time to push! Don’t push too hard though. I might blow an O ring. Seriously, it feels like there’s a rock in my stomach, and no matter what, it won’t come out! I had Texas Roadhouse for lunch today. But for this entry, we’ll call it roadkill. I arrived at the restaurant a couple minutes before my designated pick up time. Little did I know, on sundays, it’s the cool

Throne Thoughts,

Cough Explosion

It’s that time of year again when people start sneezing and coughing. The real talent comes in when you can do both at the same time. I don’t recommend this though, especially if you haven’t done your business yet. You might end up with a mess that’s too hard to clean up, like I almost did this morning. I felt the grumbles starting about 30 minutes ago. I should’ve paid better attention to them, because they were trying to tell me something. It wasn’t until I got home that I found out what that something was. What followed next was

Other Thoughts,

Liters of Fart Gas

How many liters of fart gas do humans release every second ? A) 100,000 B) 406,783 C) 602,940 D) 1,012,049         Wow!! Holy Crap!!  You and every other human release 602,940 liters of fart every second.  That means every 4 seconds an entire hot air balloon could be filled with poop air!

Throne Thoughts,

Kung fu Toilet

I tried to hold it in…I really did. But that damn Chinese food just shot through me like poop through a goose. One minute, everything is fine. And then all of the sudden, MOVE!!!! I knew when I was standing at the counter waiting for my order, that I was going to regret it later, and boy was I right. It wasn’t even 10 minutes after I finished that I was running for the bathroom. There were birds chirping outside my window before I came in here. Not anymore. I don’t knowing it was the smell or the sound that

Throne Thoughts,

The trifecta

Three times…THREE! That’s the amount of times I’ve pinched one off in the last 3 hours. It must be something in the water. It’s too bad I don’t drink beer, otherwise I could avoid this debacle. At this point, I’m starting to wear a hole in the floor between my couch and the bathroom. I’ve memorized the paint pattern on the wall and it’s only one color! I’m really at a loss here. Should I bring the tv with me next time? Install a head and foot rest on the toilet? And why does it smell like a skunk?!!?

Other Thoughts,

Sh*t just got glittery! New glitter pills make your poop sparkle

In other wierd shit news…. Sh*t just got glittery! New glitter pills make your poop sparkle. A bizarre new internet trend invloves swollowing glitter pills to sh*t sparkles – as if anything can make poop pretty. With eyebrows shaped like anchors and people posting pictures doing the migraine pose, we thought we had seen the worst of the internet but well, life is full of surprises. Presenting you with yet another WTF trend of the year: Glitter Poop.   View this post on Instagram   A post shared by Nikita Doorgha (@sgtcurrypants) on Aug 30, 2018 at 4:34am PDT Yes,

Throne Thoughts,

Speed Bumps

I tried to get an early start at work this morning, so I headed to Sam’s club, picked up my order, put some of it in my truck, and then “whooooosh!” That sudden feeling of pressure in your colon that can’t be ignored, came over my body and forced me to change my plans. I quickly loaded the rest of my items, which seemed never ending, carefully climbed in my truck, and started towards my store so I could unleash hell in my throne room. Guess what? That wasn’t gonna happen. As I started driving, fate had other plans for